yesterday, was a sad, sad day for me. i spent about 98.52% of the day crying, be it anywhere, in the toilet or in my bed or while trying to do my reports and assignments which i had yet to complete, though it's already way passed the dateline etc.
my umi and baba received a letter from NYP and also POSB, and they got to know about my constant absentees from school as well as the statements of my various ATM transactions for the past 1 month.
and i'm doomed !
they didn't know that i hated my current course, Multimedia And Info-Communication Technolgy to the core and that i had lost my interest in it since ever. they didn't know how dead boring the lectures are in polytechnics and how hard i'm trying to hold on to it. they didn't know what ridiculous things i'm learning right now, which i find totally useless/uncalled for in the working world at all. i just wanted to teach, why the hell should i learn all these IT stuffs, like the inside view of a PC, the RAM, the ROM, programming skeletons and irritating JAVA etc. it's not like i'm going to be a programmer or something in the future right ? i feel like as if i'm wasting my time here in polytechnic but, they didn't know. i just want to go NIE and then teach. ain't that simpler ? that's my all-time passion and i'm pretty sure i'm not going to lose my interest in it. i swear upon anything ! i kept quiet, but, they didn't try to understand. not at all. =(
they thought azri wasn't good enough for me, and that he's taking advantage of my money. they say whatever that he has given to me thus far is not worth whatever that i had spent on him. they say that he's not responsible enough and he's immatured. they say that i could get a better guy in the future, so why the hell should i stick to him ? they say i had changed a lot since i'd met him. and they say they couldn't recognise me as their daughter, Nurazimah, anymore, all because of him. they say he relied too much on me, where the hell is his parents ? they say i should be the one dependable to him, not otherwise. they say that he's just trying to "pakai" me, just for the sake of kissing and hugging. thay say it's not love ! it's just mere infatuation/puppy love and that i'm ridiculous enough to fall for him. they say he's not the one and they say that...
... that i should leave him.
but they didn't know. they didn't know that whatever i had spent on him is with my own will. he didn't ask for it, not at all, i was the one who's trying so hard to be a wonderful girlfriend. i know he's not my husband yet and that i shouldn't have done all that, but he will. i have utmost faith in that. and he's still 18, too young to be too matured, they should at least give him some space to "maturised" himself. hell no, there's no other guy better than him. and damn, this is love ! this is love, god damn it ! it is ! and about "pakai", it just hurts me too much. way too much. they just didn't know all these. and they're not even trying to understand my feelings, not a teeny bit. =((
they called me bloody fool !
they called me stupid !
they called me brainless!
now tell me, could i be any sad-der ? tell me, am i that stupid ? am i too blinded by love ? ...
but hey, i do realise my mistakes and whatever they're trying to portray. i understand their feelings and the reasons as to why they're so angry at me. and i'm pretty sure it's because they're too afraid i might not love them too much like i did azri, and that i might change to be the very worst from the very best(faham2 kan je lah). i'm going to change. i promise ! and i swear i'm going to bring back their daughter, Nurazimah, which they claimed thay had lost, somewhere along in this bitterness. and i feel so sorry for shedding their blissful tears. they didn't know how sorry i felt when tears started flowing down their cheeks. and i love you, umi and baba ! i love you way more than anything and nothing could change that fact. but this...
it's just too hard for me to let go.
it's too precious.
and he's my life.
i'm sorry that i'm unable to fulfill your wishes, but umi and baba have to accept this fact that i can't live without him. i'll suffer. honestly, i will.
god, i'm in such a dilemma. =((((( !
Labels: indulge with a hurtful dilemma